The F word (feedback) - 6 common unhelpful beliefs
"You talk too much!”
"You ask too many questions!"
"You are too emotional!”
Have you had a negative experience of feedback?
We have all probably experienced feedback that feels like judgement and criticism - too much of this, not enough of that, stop doing this, don't do that. In fact, being on the receiving end of these words may even begin as children and set the stage for how we show up (or not) in our working adult lives.
On the flip-side - as the giver of feedback, we may recall times where we've attempted to provide feedback to another, only to have it blow-up and result in a relationship fracture.
This can leave us in a state of paralysis - not knowing what to say or how to say it, and fearing that we'll say the wrong thing and potentially hurt someone's feelings.
The result?
A shrinking of our full selves into a fear-based state where we lack the confidence and commitment to share feedback as well as fearing being on the receiving end of it.
This is not a desirable place to be given we know how critical feedback is in leadership and organisations for growth, development and becoming a whole human being.
It is not surprising given our brain biology, and our subconscious mind that is wired to judge and scan for difference. Whilst this brain biology plays a critical role in keeping us safe and alive, what is it doing for leadership and how is it facilitating individual and organisational unity?
Listed below are six of the most common beliefs that we think are unhelpful when it comes to feedback.
#1: Feedback is either positive or negative
Often we've decided whether the feedback we want to give is good feedback (for good behaviour) or bad feedback (for bad behaviour).
This binary view of feedback as positive/negative, right/wrong, strength/weakness, fosters black and white thinking, and ignores the nuance and complexity of human behaviour. Whilst binary thinking has its place, unfortunately when it comes to the social sciences, it isn't this clear cut.
→ Reframe: Feedback is data and information
What if we re-framed our experience of human behaviour as being in the grey area and on a spectrum...that all of us have inherent strengths, some of which are fully mature and others are still developing?
This isn't to say that there isn't behaviour that is problematic, rather that all behaviour has both limitations and possibility, and can show up in various contexts in both helpful and unhelpful ways.
In this way, feedback is neither positive or negative, but rather data and information that acts as a catalyst for conversation and a bridge for new perspectives and understanding. Instead of sending a message that something is inherently wrong or bad with the other person or how they're showing up (in the case of 'negative' feedback), this approach enlarges the other person’s perspectives and expands their opportunities for dialogue and reflection.
Some of the most psychometrically validated assessments on personality and adult development describe unhelpful leadership behaviours in this way:
"The bottom half of the Circle is not measuring weaknesses; in fact, there are many strengths associated with the bottom half—strengths that have not yet fully matured into their Creative counterpart. It works with a manager’s strength even when it is being reactively over-used. It does not ask the manager to become different, but to develop their strengths into higher levels of maturity and mastery. It does not ignore weaknesses (which is currently in vogue), but works with them to foster deeper insight." (Source: The Leadership Circle: Breakthrough Leadership Development Technology)
#2: Feedback is about the other person
What is the purpose of feedback? Often we think it is to change something about the other person. In fact, our brains are wired to take many shortcuts, such as the fundamental attribution error, which create a natural tendency to over-emphasise the personal characteristics of another, especially when things go wrong.
However when we drill down, we are ultimately trying to influence the outcomes of someone's behaviour, and ensure the impact of individual and team behaviour is aligned to the organisation's objectives. And to change any single element of a system, we have to consider the dynamics of the whole and work in holistic ways.
→ Reframe: Feedback is about outcomes and impact
Feedback is ultimately about outcomes and impact, not about the other person or their self. Challenge the part of you that wants to target the person and what it is you like or don't like about them.
Instead, focus your attention on what you observe about the impact or outcomes of their behaviour, and what they said or did (or didn't say or do) to create it. Look beyond it - what do you also notice about the broader system and context and how that is contributing to the outcomes and impact? Combine this with #1, and offer it as data and information in a neutral, objective way - exploring and understanding their perspective about the information, and giving them a choice about what to do with it.
#3: Feedback is top down
Even today, there is still a commonly held belief that only those with line authority for “their people” can provide them with feedback. This, combined with less senior team members feeling intimidated or fearful of providing upwards feedback, stifles learning and growth, both of leaders and those they lead. Not to mention the risk of leaders getting out of touch with the way things really are being experienced in and outside of the organisation.
→ Reframe: Feedback flows in all directions
Organisational growth requires the growth of its people. All stakeholders who interface with an organisation and experience impact and outcomes (#2) are in a position to offer data and information (#1). This includes external stakeholders and customers.
In order to create organisational unity, we must become masterful with feedback. Building a culture of feedback loops - where feedback is actively solicited, freely offered and then welcomed - at all levels - is key: inside-out, outside-in, upwards-downwards and everywhere between.
#4: Feedback is a monologue
There is extensive research on how humans change and develop, and on what creates employee engagement. None of which includes telling others what to do or how to ‘be’ (unless it relates to being inducted, learning a new skill or being trained/mentored!) :) Feedback served up on a one-way plate is therefore unlikely to facilitate the change and growth you may be seeking to influence with feedback.
→ Reframe: Feedback is a dialogue
Feedback is about sharing data and information to expand perspectives, engage in conversation and to provide others with a choice about what to do with that information. Create a great dialogue by making fewer statements and asking more meaningful open-ended questions with the intent to listen for understanding - not to tell another person how to be or behave.
#5: The feedback-giver is right
If I assume that my feedback about you is right, I am assuming that I am the only source of truth about you.
Perspective is subjective, even moreso when it comes to human behaviour. What is the “right” amount to talk in a meeting? What amount of emotionality is acceptable at work? Chances are different people will have different answers to these questions, neither of which are inherently wrong or right. Which is why it’s so important to focus on impact and outcomes (#2), and about patterns of observations. The only way we can calibrate the impact of our behaviour is through the groups and contexts in which we operate.
→ Reframe: There are multiple perspectives, all partially ‘right’
A wise man once said ‘if you point one finger at another, there are three fingers pointing back at you’. When you have the urge to give feedback and think you are “right”, ask yourself “What do I want to provide feedback on, and why?” “Am I avoiding something uncomfortable in myself?” “How much of this belongs to the other, and how much belongs to me?” “How do I know this to be true?” “How could I be wrong?”
Once you are clear* that your intention is to offer feedback as data and information (#1) on the outcomes and impact you noticed (#2), engage in a dialogue (#4) but remember to hold your perspectives lightly - all perspectives have limitations. (*If you think you are “right” - keep reflecting until you can loosen this grip).
#6: We expect someone to change as a result of the feedback we provide
Often leaders think that feedback conversations should consist of them doing the talking while the other person listens - and that their goal is to make the other person ‘accept their feedback’ and do something about it. It holds a number of assumptions, that:
I’m the leader, therefore;
I know what’s best for the other, so;
I’ll give them feedback;
They should accept the feedback; and
They should change.
When this doesn’t happen, the leader often feels like a failure.
→ Reframe: We offer insights to allow others to grow if they choose
Holding an expectation to change someone we’ve given feedback to is not helpful. An individual needs to want to change, have a need to change, and be motivated and ready to change. Instead, offer data and information using the tips outlined above, with the intent to offer insights to allow others to grow - if they choose.
“We can’t change other people, we can only change ourselves”
In sum:
Reframing these common beliefs and challenging the status-quo can make a world of difference when it comes to feedback, facilitating an expansion of perspectives, both within yourself, others and your organisation.